On living

I had someone mention that this person hears more about the family on facebook, than in any other way. I count at least 15 invitations to join someone's facebook friends, and I have declined every one. Many of these come from people who hardly ever communicate with me. I grew up learning from my father the meaning of communication. And I love writing to people. My dad wrote to each of we children every Monday morning, and we used the phone only on Sundays. We didn't have instant cameras, so Phyllis and I sent away our rolls of film, and had three copies made, one set for each of our parents, and one for ourselves.

I have been told over and over "THAT'S THE WAY IT IS>" We who grew up with Walter Cronkite know that He spoke to each of us, and with his death recently, I have realized "THAT'S THE WAY IT WAS." I used to write more letters than I do now, because no one ever writes back...and call it what you may, whether Face Book text messaging, the same issue to me, is relavant...we don't LISTEN or communicate with each other because we are too busy...Blogs are important, but they , to me, don't take the place of personal letters, or communication.

I don't use the excuse that I'm "too busy", I don't feel well, so that is why this is the end of my blog...In my life, though I have made many many mistakes, I have tried to stand up for what was right, and have learned the ministry of listening...I even insulted Walter Cronkite once in the Bunch of Grapes bookstore...but there is within me, no energy, no fight, and now that Walter is dead, and my wife is dead, and my parents are gone...I remember the joy of living, the people I have met...and it is, this living bit, very wonderful...but 'that's the way it was" when people cared enough to listen with their ears, but more importantly with their hearts. Thanks for listening and replying to my blog...and I wish God's richest blessings be yours...

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY JENNIFER AND MATT

Jennifer and Matt were married at Pathfinder Lodge...in a beautiful ceremony by the shores of Lake Otsego...
*t was a day filled with love,,,and the gleam of a mother's eyes from above...Congratulations...

My favorite 5 year old

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUCAS COOPER SANBORN-BURCH 5 YEARS OLD

June 21 a pause

It is the longest day of the year...It is Father's Day...and it is for me the 39th Anniversary of my Ordination...

A SUNSET IS A 'PAUSE' BEFORE THE DAWN OF A NEW AND GLORIOUS DAY...

June 14th

It has been 55 years since I was in 5th Grade, at Liberty Street School and yet I still remember the words..

HATS OFF ALONG THE STREET THERE COMES, A BLARE OF BUGLES, A RUFFLE OF DRUMS
A FLASH OF COLOR BENEATH THE SKY. HATS OFF THE FLAG IS PASSING BY...

It is FLAG DAY 2009

When you come to the end of a perfect day...

"And in despair, I bowed my head...There is no peace on earth I said...
For hate is strong, and mocks the song...Of peace on earth, good will to all"
I am sitting by the window of my 12th floor apartment looking at the lights of the city. and weeping.
I am thinking of the warm evening 39 years ago..and of my Father preaching my Ordination Sermon...
"THE DAY NEVER ENDS..." for all these years I have ministered and believed in the Hope of those words..."

Now I am hearing the stirrings of a different Hymn "Now the day is over..." Everybody who participated in the Ordination is gone to their Eternal Reward... and I am not physically well. While everyone is trying to "FIX" ME, according to their own agenda, I am remembering my mother, who never tired of LISTENING to me, and never telling me what to do - she would say to me, "I just want you to remember that I love you" She who had been disappointed by me so many times rather than trying to fix me, she loved me. Even when I was talking to her on the phone on what was a difficult day for me. I told her that I felt like jumping out the window. She said to me "Oh I know you'll do a good job of it Peter." She even said to me, as I sat beside her bed to say goodbye and thank you to her. AS i finished praying with her she said "I'm not going to say good-bye to you Peter, but I WILL SEE YOU ALONG THE ROAD."

The difference between my father and I, was not that either of us was afraid of dying, for we are not...but he was having such a good time living he didn't want to die and I am not. Since by stroke, every moment of every day is fraught with pain...and I am not complaining or feeling sorry for myself...rather I am stating a fact...The person who fought for and advocated for people, now nears the end of the day...and I have nothing left within me to stand up for myself and fight.

Hearing of an auto accident which claimed a young woman's life...I've been thinking of getting a call one night in Bainbridge...
a young 17 year old had just been killed by a drunk driver. The family asked for me...I arrived to their house, and heard dishes crashing within. I walked in and sat with the father while his wife through dishes across the kitchen. This went on for 45 minutes, and she came into the Living Room walked up to me, and sobbed 'I'm sorry" and all I could do was cry with her. for I would have reacted the same way... Or the call late on christmas Eve telling me that a young couple in my Gay Head church had just lost their baby...and the day never ended...Or 18 month old Kimberly who died suddenly and their Pastor wouldn't go to them because he didn't know what to say...I went to them, listened to their anguish and their tears, and cried with them...
I have stood with countless people when their lives, and hopes died. I remember walking behind a grief stricken couple, all night long, after their child had died...I walked all through the night about 100 yards behind them so they would know that God was near to them, as He reached out to me...and the day never ended...

I'm sitting here gazing from my apt. window, feeling as though there is so much hatred in this world...a man filled with hatred goes in and kills someone in the Jewish MUSEUM...and a Dr. gun down in Church while speaking in the name of God that OTHERS LIKE HIM WILL BE KILLED...and I sit and weep beside my apartment windows. I am thankful that mother and dad aren't here, for they too would be filled with tears...of all the gifts given to me by my mother and dad, was the gift of listening to what was being said, and not said and to love people like my mother did...

A sunset is a PAUSE BEFORE THE DAWN OF A NEW AND GLORIOUS DAY...as the day draws to its close....

June 2

It has been 48 years, yet I remember it as if it were today. Everything in my life is measured by that day. Everybody would say to me, the oldest living child"if there is anything that I can DO for you or the family" I finally said to someone"there is nothing you can DO but if you want, stay near to us and our fears and tears>" This, they couldn't do because they and we, live in a world where "fix it" is what we want to do. It's lilke the question I asked Dr. Warshaw when he told me Phyllis was dying "What am I going to tell our daughters that their mother is dying, because Heather would tell Jennifer "wait til Daddy gets home. He can fix anything." The question came from in my heart!

I listened last night to a young woman, whose husband had died, and her brother was killed. I felt tears well up in my eyes not of self pity, but rather that I could identify with her, and I was humbled that she felt she could talk to me about her brother's tragic death. Every June 2, I have sent red roses to mother and dad, because I understood the pain...this year I cannot, as mother and dad recently died...

The young lady's brother's name was DAVID, the same name as my hero, my older brother, DAVID, who died suddenly on June 2, 1961.

Memorial Day 2009

'FORGETTING TO REMEMBER... REMEMBERING TO FORGET...'

A DIFFERENT MOTHER'SDAY

I am an orphan! That reality is more evident as we prepare to observe Mother's Day. Since Phyllis died in 93, I haven't known how to observe this day with Heather and Jennifer. Until this year, I didn't know how they felt. Now I do. I was forced to preach my last Sermons on Mother's Day unable to tell the people I was resigning the next day. How my heart broke that day...
With Heather and Jennifer I have sought to honor Phyllis, and to give them something that would not take her place, but for them toremember...

This year, having lost both my father and mother I don't know to pause and remember. I aman orphan, as are my brothers and sister... There will be no flowers or lunches with them..in her honor I have chosen to give Mother's Day dinner to a family who can't afford one. But the reality is that they are no longer alive, and I miss them. Dad was my closest friend, and mother was my confidante and friend. They were wonderful parents, and I do not wishthem back...but I acknowledge that this year is different. I miss mother and Dad, and my heart is filled with gratitude for them both...

Matt

Matt turned 40 yesterday, and to celebrate they went to Disney where he got in for free because it was his birthday. Debate had raged at dinner the night before as to which Kingdom they would go visit. Matt thought Animal Kingdom and he must have prevailed...

Most people complain about in laws, but I am so richly blessed in that Matt is such a great person. He and Jennifer are such good parents and partners. Auntie which is the children's name for Heather, completes this special family. From all accounts they had a great time at Animal Kingdom, which I shall hear about at dinner...as they just called and said they would come by and we would go together to eat..How blest I am...

FAMILY

The family is spending their Spring Vacation here in Florida with me...yesterday they came and picked me up and we spent the afternoon at the beach...me sitting on the Boardwalk, watching them enjoy the beach. It was so important to me, because I felt so happy having them near to me. I felt like a Father and Grandfather...we ate at Wendy's. Yesterday I sat in the sun too long, but it was worth it. I had my family close to me. They spent the day at the Space Center, and tomorrow they will come down and have dinner together. Wednesday they will go to Walt Disney World to celebrate Matt's birthday,,,

The visit is going wonderfully well and I am glad that they are here, even if they are staying at a time share up in Titusville, and I am unable to do much with them. I love them, and I am so very happy to have them near me during these days...makes me feel wonderful, despite the pain...they are all the world to me....even though I am who I am... I feel happiness inside of myself...

EASTER 2009

APRIL 6, 1993

SPONGE

Phyllis once said to me, prior to her death "no one listens and cares as you do. The downfall is that you expect others to listen and care, and they don't and they won't. When my brother David died, my Great Aunt Caroline pulled me aside, and told me that it was my RESPONSIBILITY to hold the family together as my parents had suffered such a loss... I did as I was told, and listened to my parents'tears, many the night when I would come in the house and found my dad sitting listening to Hymns and sobbing. I sat silently with him..

I learned from mother and dad at a very young age, to listen not only with my ears, but with my heart. When my AUNT EDYTHE was angry at my father, or other members of the family, she would write long letters filled with anger and hatred. I just listened, and didn't tell her not to do it. I am grateful to my brother Philip for his loving care for my Aunt but also our parents.

When Dad was angry, he didn't tell Philip about it...even though I would tell him to tell him. Dad said that "he wouldn't understand but you do. And the sponge was at work...I have no one to blame but myself. But my ministry was NOT to tell them to quit taking their anger out on me, but I did it because I spared all the others. and the sponge started to fill up.

Sixteen years ago Phyllis died, and was told by several in the congregations that I Pastored, you should be able to handle this because you listen to everybody. And the sponge filled up, and I felt there was nothing left...Then I had the stroke, and dad, then Mother died...and; the sponge was saturated.

Phyllis was right, I listened and cared for everybody, and never said no...and now, there is the overwhelming saturation, and there is nothing left...Henri Nouwen said that people need to listen with their ears, and with their hearts/ not giving advice, but listening...I have only my feelings and my emotions left...and I weep alone...not wishing I had taken a different path, but just no one understands the way I feel, and the sponge is overflowing...and there is nothing left.

Today the Procession will start...

Phyllis, Arthayer and Ruth are no longer with me in physical view...but they are very near to me...
Phyllis died 16 years ago...yet she continues to live in and through Heather and Jennifer...
Arthayer would have lived forever, not because of fear of dying, but rather, because he was having such a good time living on earth...
Ruth is my mother...her birthday would have been April 10th...she played the Organ for Phyllis' Memorial Service on her birthday 16 years ago.
Before sitting with my mother last Easter...I had, like Thomas, some question about Heaven...
She and I didn't attend Church last Easter...I sat holding her hand as she slept, while on the television was HGTV.

As we sat at the Kitchen Table while she ate her lunch, suddenly after a moment of silence she turned to me and asked "Peter, have you given any thought as to where you are going to be buried?
at which point I flippantly responded "frankly, mother, I don't give a damn because I'm not paying for it." Little did she know that I was about to tell her what the Dr. had said to me about my health"
I drove over to Celebration last September to say good-bye to my mother. We talked in hushed tones as I thanked her, for being by your sides when Phyllis was dying, for being my mother.
She said to me as I prayed with her and kissed her, "i will see you along the road..."

In that moment, I received the special gift which I had already received from Phyllis, my father, and now my mother...a touch of heaven on earth!!
As I drove home tears in my eyes, a question arose within my mind...
"If Christians are convinced that Heaven is so wonderful, why do they spend so much on Drs. who do everything to keep us alive???and won't admit that we are dying>??? Something to ponder as the procession begins...

to be remembered

How many times have we stood by the Cross and thought or said that these criminals were getting what they deserved...although I have to be honest and confess that I want to be remembered by somebody...We even have gotten angry at Jesus for His words to this "bum". He knew, this bum did, he knew that he was getting what he deserved...but he looked through sweat stained bloodied eyes at Jesus and said 'REMEMBER ME..." On nights such as this, the phone silent, no mail, I can hear this plea on my lips...knowing that I haven't lived the best of lives...and I can hear myself uttering 'Will someone please remember me???? as the tears fall from my eyes...

A REASON...A SEASON...OR A LIFETIME

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person..
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.




Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.




LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson,
love the person and put w hat you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

When we were young...

The journey was ahead of us...like this little one, I wonder what he is thinking...
Of the road we shall journey...
of the valleys and mountains which lie ahead...
I lost two friends this week...
a person who I 'thought" was my friend, yet he has treated me badly this week...
a person who talked with a whisper, yet he was my inspiration...and had a heart as big as
all outdoors...
WHICH LOSS DO I FEEL SADNESS ABOUT????
I am coming to realize that the only friend I have is......

the bend in the road

I woke early as the surgery was to begin at 7AM Little did we know that we were heading toward a bend in the road...There was an angelic look, as I prayed with her and kissed her lips...
It was a journey that I had walked with so many, yet I was alone, in walking ...for I realized the special bond between Heather and Jennifer with their mother...

How many times she and I have walked to the sea...and I will do so tomorrow as I remember what lessons we learned from her loving spirit...

MARCH 6TH

FAT TUESDAY

I have been thinking today..that the Lenten Season begins tomorrow with Ash Wednesday...
I have been thinking about the Lenten Booklets that my parents, and I had written and were used as devotionals...written by people in the Fellowship...
I have been thinking of that Lenten Season 16 years ago...when Phyllis was with us at its outset,
and she was with the Lord at the dawn of Easter day...
I thought of going to the Good Friday service in Chilmark that year...by myself...
In the silence of the opening moments of the Service, from the depths of my being came this
incredible sob...
I was tempted to leave...
but I thought "isn't this what Lent and the CROSS was about???
If you can't bear the Cross, then you can't wear the crown...Heather, Jennifer and I knew that year of the meaning of Lent...it always causes us pain...but it brings to us the PROMISE OF TOMORROW>

QUESTIONS>>>>

I have been spending time this week with questions!!!!!!
such as: what would happen if Drs. actually helped people feel better???
and Will they ever find a cure for cancer??? this latter question from a conversation on the Boardwalk. A young man from out of state was visiting his mother who was near death with cancer! and he worked for the National Cancer Society...

He asked me if I EVER thought they would find a cure? I told him that they probably have already, but no, I don't think they will ever admit to finding the answer...I asked him "What would all the cancer Drs do??? he reluctantly agreed with me, and we sat in silence...

The Dr on MONDAY said, "drs. don't treat people, they treat diseases." Most people, unlike you, she added listen to the Dr. tell them what is wrong with them...You she said want to be treated as a person, and to have the Dr. listen to you? They don't, and they won't. SHE went on to say that the leading cause of death is DOCTORS ...

SILENCE

This picture is of VICK MEMORIAL CHAPEL at Pathfinder Lodge, in Cooperstown, NY.
It is the Camp where Phyllis and I met: where Jennifer and Matt were married.
In the altar, are the names of those from Pathfinder's family, who have entered the Ministry, or became Missionaries! As you walk along the shores of Lake Otsego, you walk under the GATE OF SILENCE...an unspoken call to silence... Did you know that silence often speaks louder than words??

How are you?

I try and be outside, for at least an hour each day. I keep hearing my dad saying "keep moving" and I do. Today I went to Melbourne Beach, as the Congregation was having their annual Yard Sale, and I felt I wanted to go over and say hello... I haven't been able to attend services of late... I was hoping that none of my friends there would say "How are you?" because I would fall apart emotionally.

The first person I came upon asked "How are you?" and when I started to tell them, they had to go. only one lady who came up to me and gave me a hug was genuinely interested...I recalled a visit with the cashier in Grand Union in Bainbridge, NY when I was checking out asked her"How are you doing?"
And she asked of me "DO YOU REALLY CARE." and right at that moment, I didn't. and told her so.
In life, so many there are who ASK this question, and it's as though they want to say "tell me you are fine." My father used to tell us all when we asked him "I'm fine" and I understand more clearly, why he said that...I DID listen to my father, and I am grateful both he and my mother felt comfortable in sharing with me, but I want to tell him "thank you" for always understanding even when I didn't...."

The next time that you ask a person "how are you?" before you ask the question, ask yourself whether you are willing to listen, really listen to them as they tell you>

WHAT IS IMPORTANT IN LIFE...

what do you see???

An unbeliever was flying over a mountain range...and taking pictures of the snow and land.
When he developed the pictures and saw , not snow and land, but saw something that changed his life forever...

January 2009

In an era where it wasn't "chic" they were ahead of their time! Of all the gifts that my mother and dad gave to their children, and they were many...was an ability to see people through Christ-like eyes/ As I have reflected on the Churches he Pastored, my father walked the talk, and instilled within each of us the importance of seeing people as God created them to be.

They would be so proud today...my father would have been calling me, and emailing me...but they would be proud, as I am...and as I started watching on the Television the Inaugural activities of Barack Obama, I thanked them for giving me the love to appreciate this day...and its meaning.

I understand ...

I understand now, particularly my dad, but also mother. I understand that as we get old, and have less control of our lives, why we feel that others don't understand us...Dad was always telling me that I didn't understand why he did the things he did, and he was RIGHT. I did not understand. When others make decisions or when we cannot, it is difficult to give up this ability. Now I understand when Dad would do something which HE decided to do, and he was just trying to help us believe that he still COULD...and I didn't understand. But I do now. Even when he knew it was the wrong decision, it was a decision.

I had this desire to get in my car and go somewhere. No one would know where I was. I know that after the stroke, this would not be a good decision. But like you Dad, I want to let my family know that I CAN...even though I can't. I'm sorry DAD that I didn't understand that you felt as though you lost your ability to live, and people like me told you what to do and when. I am sorry that I didn't understand when we paid for everything, and you felt as though you had to ASK permission and have people give you the money... I am sorry, and wish I could TELL you...but I DO understand.

As the years come and go, we feel unable to make decisions, and this I have found true in living amidst the elderly...and with .drs. You would complain to me Dad when Philip advocated for you, but THIS was what I DID for others through the years, made sure that they were cared for as human beings...and now it seems, that when we get older no one LISTENS to us, and you and Mother always did as did Ez...when you all died, I realized that I was the oldest, and began keeping or trying to keep to myself, lest they get tired of hearing... I apologize for all the times when I didn't listen with an understanding heart to you Dad...even though you listened to me...both of you...
Here at the Towers, everybody tries to tell us what to feel what to do, and the sad thing is that we begin to FEEL OLD...and useless...and it's like the card I saw recently "used to care but now I take a pill for that...." and the saddest aspect Dad is that I understand how you felt...

JANUARY 14

'SURELY A STAR IS DANCING IN THE HEAVENS TO CELEBRATE THE DAY YOU WERE BORN." I recall that day, when Heather was visiting in Florida with Nana and Father...and on Sunday the 14th you arrived in that little Hospital, in Sidney, NY. What joy you brought with you to complete our "family circle.'
My memories of holding you on my lap, and your finger in mine playing Heart and Soul... Little did we realize what you would bring to our lives, and the world. Though separated in miles, I am this Tuesday night reliving the wonderful moments of your arrival, and the joy you have brought to Mom, Heather and myself.

Of all that you have done, I am proudest of the fact that you and Heather, have inherited all the wonderful qualities that made your mother such a special person...I celebrate YOU this day, and celebrate as only a Father could, your wonderful being, your family, Heather, and I am so very grateful that God blessed me having you and Heather as my daughters, and Mom as your mother and mentor. Happy Birthday...as the star dances in the Heavens... Dad

Together for all Eternity...