I understand ...

I understand now, particularly my dad, but also mother. I understand that as we get old, and have less control of our lives, why we feel that others don't understand us...Dad was always telling me that I didn't understand why he did the things he did, and he was RIGHT. I did not understand. When others make decisions or when we cannot, it is difficult to give up this ability. Now I understand when Dad would do something which HE decided to do, and he was just trying to help us believe that he still COULD...and I didn't understand. But I do now. Even when he knew it was the wrong decision, it was a decision.

I had this desire to get in my car and go somewhere. No one would know where I was. I know that after the stroke, this would not be a good decision. But like you Dad, I want to let my family know that I CAN...even though I can't. I'm sorry DAD that I didn't understand that you felt as though you lost your ability to live, and people like me told you what to do and when. I am sorry that I didn't understand when we paid for everything, and you felt as though you had to ASK permission and have people give you the money... I am sorry, and wish I could TELL you...but I DO understand.

As the years come and go, we feel unable to make decisions, and this I have found true in living amidst the elderly...and with .drs. You would complain to me Dad when Philip advocated for you, but THIS was what I DID for others through the years, made sure that they were cared for as human beings...and now it seems, that when we get older no one LISTENS to us, and you and Mother always did as did Ez...when you all died, I realized that I was the oldest, and began keeping or trying to keep to myself, lest they get tired of hearing... I apologize for all the times when I didn't listen with an understanding heart to you Dad...even though you listened to me...both of you...
Here at the Towers, everybody tries to tell us what to feel what to do, and the sad thing is that we begin to FEEL OLD...and useless...and it's like the card I saw recently "used to care but now I take a pill for that...." and the saddest aspect Dad is that I understand how you felt...