MY MOTHER AND I...

I drove to Dr. Philip's Hospital this morning, on what has become for me a wearying journey of 70 miles each way to Celebration.  My mother was on the commode, and she apologized, but then mumbled 'how fitting."  My sister in law who has been with her in the Hospital stepped outside the room for a few minutes...

Mother took my hand and placed it on her heart, a wearying smile on her face, as she spoke softly "thank you for understanding Peter"  she went on to say how she was thankful that dad had died before seeing her like this "he wouldn't understand" and he would not have.  He would have been like a cheerleader at the Homecoming Game urging her to fight harder to live, and not give up;. 

She grabbed my hand tighter" you don't think I'm giving up do you?"  

I said that no, I didn't feel that way, that I understood how, after almost 91 years and miles and miles traveled, that she was tired...at which point she fell back asleep. clutching my hand to her heart.  I prayed with and for her asking God, however He chose, to grant her peace.

The selfish side of me would have spoken differently, but the weary smile from her eyes to mine as I rose to leave and kissed her hand and cheek spoke the language of silent gratitude from her son...How blest my life has been having my parents, having Phyllis, Heather, Jennifer, Matt, Kyra and Lucas...

Listening as a "gift of love"\

When I awoke this morning I felt 'rested" so decided that I would try and drive over to Celebration to visit my 90+year old mother.  I usually have someone drive me over, as I feel nervous driving that far.  I did the 60 miles in 2 hours(can you imagine the line of cars behind me wishing I didn't drive the speed limit) NOT to VISIT with mother, as those days are gone.  

I thought as I gave her a hug and kiss. of all the times when she and dad would VISIT with those who came by...as Phyllis and I would drive down from the north on this weekend each year.  Mother has lived a joy-filled life, along with my dad, made the world a nicer place because of their compassion and warmth.

I "listened" as she talked weakly about how worried she was about ME, and then listened to the sound of her breathing as she slept in her wheelchair,  We don't like quiet - we feel we have to say something, anything..

but listening to what a person SAYS, as well as to the SILENCE is a gift of love we share.

She would awaken, see my face smiling at her, and she squeezed my hand and fell asleep again...

She got confused and upset about a couple of little things...but I just held her hand.  What I 'heard' during the 90 minute visit was that she is weary, and she doesn't have the "fight" that dad had to go on...

she knows her life has been filled with love and family, and faith, but she is tired..and that is okay.

Lots of people would avoid such moments selfishly wishing that it was 'like it was."  but as I listened to her words as I hugged and kissed her when leaving.."don't worry about whatever happens to me, Peter"

and as she closed her eyes to sleep, I knelt by her recliner, and held the hand of this woman, my mother, who gave me the gift of life, and as I got up to go, I whispered that I would come back soon...to sit by her side...my father was my best friend...and I miss him terribly, and my mother has been the rock of faith and I am more than honored to spend moments of gratitude and silence in this way...

Valentine's Day 2008

This day for the last 15  years has been difficult for me!  Society says that it is a day for 'lovers'  those people who exchange jewelry,  cards, flowers, or candy, and a meal spent together  I am thinking of my Mother today alone on this day after 68 years..I had hoped to go visit her today but she wasn't feeling up to a visit.  I DID send flowers from the family and I.  She has told me via phone how beautiful they are, as she gazes upon them she thinks of us...

I always tried to remember to send flowers to Phyllis and the girls...except one year when I got so busy working Psychiatry floor at Bassett Hospital and ministering to a church nearby..that I forgot.  So, I sent flowers to them on President's day instead.  I have changed my views of this day as these years have passed moving from a feeling of loneliness, to solitude.  Oh, I still send cards to the girls, Matt, and Grandchildren...and a couple of other cards.  I regret the mistakes I have made in the past, not spending enough time with loved ones, but I rejoice that God gave me the gift of listening to Him, to others, which is in itself a gift of love...  God loves you.so do I.