If only I had known...

A parishioner once asked me, 'is it better if one knows what surprises God has in store for us, and would it make a difference how we reacted?"  I couldn't sleep last night, staring out my window until after two.  Fifteen years ago this minute, in an empty Gray lobby I was on the phone frantically trying to locate Heather on the Vineyard before she heard from a stranger Dr. Warshaw's words that her mother was dying...I knew that Jennifer was on her way  from Eastern College, with friends who I had called when I had a premonition.  I was hoping that she would not call and ask how things were going...(she didn't)

I had two thoughts, as hearing footsteps coming across the slate floor.  what is the Dr doing out here, if I had known...and secondly , when Heather and Jennifer were young, and a doll or other toy would get broken, Heather would say 'wait til daddy gets home, he can fix anything."

I started to feel tears in my eyes, as I asked the Dr. "What do I tell our daughters, for whom She was their heroine, their confidante that she is dying, and Daddy can't fix this...

Fifteen years ago and tears once again well up in my eyes, as I realize how when life came crashing down around us, if only I had known...God knows that it is best that we don't.

reflecting on a day seemingly so long ago, yet not so, on a day when the sun refused to shine.