THE SILENCE

The phone hasn't rung for two days. At first it bothered me, but now it doesn't. As the eldest in the family since mother died, I sent an email asking family to remember Bette Doonan who has been part of our family for over 50 years, and I'm sorry that I sent it because I received no acknowledgement that anyone received it. Have you ever played hide and seek? I did as a Child in one game no one came looking for me...and I never forgot that experience.

I thought Last night as I sat gazing out the window, that I was having a heart attack...but didn't call for the ambulance and rather waited until the pain subsided. Family and other people are tired of hearing about how I feel =and I have stopped talking about it. When I faxed off a letter to the drs. no one acknowledged they received it, and their only response was to send more bills...

This week we shall gather to say farewell to our Mother, the matriarch of our family...I have written a Eulogy which I was going to distribute but I'm not. I shall quietly thank God for both mother and dad, that I had the pleasure of their company for all these years...I feel as though I have lost more than my parents over this year...I lost two people who listened, yes we disagreed, but we three knew we couldn't DO anything for each other...but we enjoyed each other's company...and I shall weep in silence...May they rest in peace...

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS...

I can't count the times when I have started to call my mother...I returned from a trip to Walmart, and while there expressed disgust at all those people talking on cellphones while they were shopping, or driving...

Other than the girls, my phone doesn't ring...Someone asked me yesterday "do you feel alone now?'
I am grateful that despite their busy lives Heather and Jennifer call...and my brother Philip occasionally. I have never been a 'telephone talker' and as minister whenever the telephone rang for me, someone needed something of me. Maybe that's why the phone doesn't ring much anymore...because I don't have anything to give to anyone, and despite the fact that I have attempted to keep in touch with my siblings in our loss together...Philip is the only one who responds...
and when someone says to me "i haven't heard from you lately' I want to say my phone rings as well as yours does...but I ponder these things in my heart...I feel as though I have nothing to share with anyone...and just being me isn't enough...it was for my father and mother, but now they are gone from my sight...but never from my heart... When are we dead? is the question asked on the Internet and I wonder...